Fanboys

Like the majority of the planet, I’ve seen the original Star Wars trilogy numerous times and I like em. Like everyone else I also hate Phantom Menace but surprisingly I’m a fan of Attack of the Clones, and Revenge of the Sith is visually good. I’m not a Star Wars freak but I know my shit, and would I want a real lightsaber? OH HELL YEAH!!!

You know what else? I’m not a Star Trek hater or lover, mainly because I haven’t seen enough of it, but from what I have seen I think I’d dig The Next Generation. The only problem I have with Star Trek is Trekkies, not regular people who enjoy Star Trek or SciFi as a whole, but the looooooooosers who dress up in star fleet uniforms or borg, klingon and vulcan costumes. I fucking hate Trekkies, if you’re a Trekkie then I feel sorry for you, you lonely sad red shirt wannabe pathetic touched by your uncle living in your parents basement inbred mormon creationist Sean Hannity loving motherfucker.

So I should love a combination road trip/Star Wars/Trekkie bashing movie, right? No.

Fanboys is a 2009 comedy film directed by Kyle Newman and starring Sam Huntington, Chris Marquette, Dan Fogler, Jay Baruchel and Kristen Bell. Linus (Marquette) suggests to his friends what he’s been scheming since fifth grade: Breaking into Skywalker Ranch, this time to steal a print of The Phantom Menace. Crazy, right? But it might be the only way for Linus to see the movie before he dies. So as insane as it sounds, they hop in a van and embark on a mission to drive across the country to the Ranch. (Sourced from IMDB)

First off, Fanboys tries way to hard with the Star Wars references, randomly yelling them out for the sake of constantly reminding the audience that the main group of characters love Star Wars is overdone, yes, the film makers think you’re retarded. Don’t get me wrong, I like a good Star Wars comparison to my current real life situation more than the next guy, but watching these dudes do it all the time just gets old real fast, but that’s not the worst of it.

Where the fuck are all the dick jokes?!?

Come here kid, you wanna know what the Star Wars films are really about? Cock. Fuck all this good vs evil, hero’s journey bullshit, its all about cock, or more specifically whos got the biggest cock, the dark side vs the, fuck, the light side? The good side? The other side? Whatever side Luke’s on.

Look at Darth Vader, the biggest and baddest brother in a galaxy far far away, voiced by the deepest/sexiest voice in Hollywood, Sir James Earl Jones. You telling me thats not signalling Vader’s got more than a lightsaber in his pants, shit, you’d think the motherfucker would have a wookie down there, that is until it turns out that he’s really an old frail white guy, with asthma, and a nasty skin condition, bravo George Lucas, bravo.

Plus, why do you think Annakin got so mad in the first place? Because Jedi law forbids him from getting some pussy, and to make it worse it was hot and consensual royal pussy, what the fuck, after a hard day of defending the Republic it shouldn’t be too much to ask for some sex with his girlfriend or wife, should it. I wonder if Jedi knights are even allowed to jerk off, probably not, and if you re going to say but Rik, there are female Jedi as well, to that I say yeah you’re right, but they are alien chicks, and everyone knows that alien chicks in the Star Wars universe all have penises as well as vagina’s, just look at the heads/ears on some of those bitches and tell me I’m wrong.

What about the force? Of course that shit is penis related. The force is strong in this one? Translated : this little fuckers cock is huge. Why do you think Yoda (one of the most powerful Jedi knights ever) walks around with a walking stick? Because in proportion to his body Yoda’s dong belongs on a Whale. He’d fall over without the stick, and the reason he doesn’t float on air in the later/original trilogy is because it takes too much power/force to keep him up, and it shaves years off of his life.

Want more proof? R2-D2, he may be small but he’s a girthy son of a bitch. Admiral Ackbar, he’s a walking talking penis if ever I saw one. The Sandworms of Tatooine, huge dongs with fucking teeth. Storm Trooper helmets, come on. The front part of an X-Wing, head and shaft obviously. Need I go on?

What about lightsabers? Commonly referred to as the main tool in a Jedi’s arsenal, they start off housed in those handle thingy-ma-jigs which look like dildo’s, and then when its time for action they rise to the occasion, lengthy and rock hard with the power to go through anything. Still not convinced, tell me, what shape is the tip of a lightsaber? Search your feelings, you know it be true!

So why make a Star Wars themed road trip movie without a dick joke every 3 to 5 minutes?

Beats the shit out of me, but that’s why this movie is a huge letdown, its lightweight material that brings it dangerously close to family movie territory. I don’t mind family movies, but if you’re going to make a film about Star Wars nerds vs Star Trek geeks, why the fuck would you make it PG-13? Its highly illogical Jim.

Something else the gets right up my nose is the fact that the group of guys (who are portrayed by some really talented young actors) are trying to watch the Phantom Menace before its released … yeah, I know. Think about it, the ultimate goal of the group is to make sure that their Star Wars loving yet terminally ill friend gets to watch the biggest letdown to Star Wars fanatics ever.

SPOILER ALERT

In the end, Linus (played by Chris Marquette) who has cancer, is allowed to watch the Phantom Menace by himself thanks to George Lucas before he dies. There’s a scene of him alone in a Skywalker Ranch theatre watching the film, then he leaves but he doesn’t comment on what he thought of said movie.

What a waste, if I was a life long Star Wars fan who only had a couple of months to live, looking forward to the final movie event of my life which turns out to be the Phantom Menace, I don’t think I would have acted calm like Linus did, the least I would have done would be to burn Skywalker Ranch to the ground. The writers missed a good opportunity to put in a good 30 minute rant about all the shit the dude went through to see the damn movie and the fact he’s going to be dead soon.

But thats just me.

END OF SPOILER

With that all said, its not all bad, it just wasn’t executed well. There are a couple of good things about Fanboys, mainly the Cameo’s, which I won’t ruin for you but real “fanboys” will get a kick out of it. Plus there is actually a laugh out loud scene involving memorabilia and security guards, you’ll know it when you see it, if you watch it, despite the lack of dick jokes. Stars Wars fags, I mean, enthusiats will probably still enjoy it.

P.S : just because I like dick jokes doesn’t mean I’m gay … really … shut up.

A Full House Movie? You Got It Dude!

There’s a lot of shit in my life that I’m ashamed of, my well documented love of the Gilmore Girls is one and I take shit for it constantly, and so I should. Despite the fact that I have a penis and I’m not gay (shut up), I can’t really use the excuse that I watch it because Lorelei and Rory are hot, that’s not why I dig it, I won’t go into details because some of the reasons I enjoy that shit sound a little, or a lot gay, in fact so gay that I now actually have an answer to the famous question of who would you turn gay for? Have I mentioned lately that I’m not gay? No really … I’m not … seriously … shut up.

Surprisingly though I’m not ashamed of my fondness for Full House. I haven’t seen it in years, but whenever I see something connected to it, like Bob Saget making jokes about sucking cock or pictures of how hot Jodie Sweetin is these days, I get a little nostalgic. Back in the 80′s and very early 90′s New Zealand television wasn’t exactly packed with content, but shows that stand out for me from that period are Doctor Who (Jon Pertwee and Peter Davison represent), Hotel (boy did I have a thing for Connie Sellecca) and Full House. I was 7 years old when it began its run and I still have a soft spot for it in my cold black evil children hating number of the beast pro choice heart.

So when news broke about the possibilty of a movie, I was actually ok with it.

Former sitcom star John Stamos confesses that he’s conceptualizing a Full House feature film. “I’m working on a movie idea, but it wouldn’t be us playing us,” he said. “I’m not 100% sure, but it would probably take place in the first few years” of the 1987-95 series. The former ER doc votes for James Franco to reprise Stamos’ role as Jesse Katsopolis. “I see Steve Carell as (Bob Saget’s character) Danny Tanner and Tracy Morgan as (Dave Coulier’s) Joey Gladstone because he’s funny,” he added. (Sourced from the New York Daily Times)

Expectantly, the news of a Full House film didn’t fill people with joy, and by people I mean soulless motherfuckers, but hear me out, I think it could work, if it was done my way of course. First things first I haven’t seen the show for years, I don’t think I’ve even seen it this century and I don’t think it’ll hold up as a modern day sitcom, but the direction of the movie could go four ways and all work well.

Obviously, a family friendly version would appeal to the masses and I think it could do well financially, because I guarantee I won’t be the only one nostalgic for Full House, I’ll be the only one to do so who has a penis, but that’s not the issue. If G or PG rated bullshit like Cheaper By The Dozen or Shrek can do good business then its feasible that a well cast, slightly funny, lightweight Full House film could do the same, but I wouldn’t watch it.

Another way to go is the hard R sex comedy route. I’m not talking about a porno version, which I’m sure has been done, but something similar to the American Pie series. Here’s how I see it going, Uncle Jesse, who’s not really an Uncle, he’s one of those close friends of your parents who you call Uncle, moves in with Danny Tanner and his 3 busty, half Japanese, horny virgin daughters aged 16, 17 and 18, spends the entire film fighting off the sexual advancements of the girls … and his urges. Not only does Jesse move in, but Danny’s childhood best friend Joey Gladstone does so as well, he just happens to be flamboyantly gay and direct award winning interracial gay erotica – hilarity ensues.

Surprisingly I wouldn’t be interested in such a thing, unless the comedy rocks the shit outta me then yes, but nudity in mainstream film doesn’t really do anything for me these days, unless midgets are involved, and I’m sure you can guess why, and if you do guess correctly then congratulations, you’re a perv … fucking freak.

The third way to go, and probably the smartest way to go would be to Apatow the shit out of it. I’m talking the full Judd Apatow treatment, written and directed by him, starring Steve Carrel as Danny, Paul Rudd as Jesse, Seth Rogen as Joey and Leslie Mann as Danny’s deceased wife/Jesse’s sister who appears in flashbacks. Personally I’d be on the fence if a Apatow version of Full House was made because hes a hit or miss filmmaker for me. For example I love The 40 Year Old Virgin, but Knocked Up? Not so much, but attach his name and his crew to this and I’m sure that it would generate a shit load of interest.

I tell ya, if I had my way and if I was the producer, I’d get Kevin Smith to write and direct this motherfucker, doubt he’d do it, but you just have to look at it in a different light. Think about this, forget that its called Full House, forget that its based on a sitcom from the 80′s/90′s, and what you have is a story about how a friend and a brother in law come to the aid of a man who has lost his wife, and 3 little girls who have lost their mother. Pretty basic really, and you could take the dramedy route or the straight out funny dialogue path.

I’d go the latter.

My favorite movie of all time is Clerks, and a film written and directed by Smith is like Heroin to me. Kevin isn’t regarded as the worlds best technical director, but its always been well known that his strength as a film maker is dialogue. Make this bitch a hard R (due to explicit language) with Jeff Anderson as Joey and I will instantly jizz in my pants. A film about 3 dudes trying to raise girls of varying ages (1 year old baby, 7 year old kid and a 13 year old teenager) in this crazy modern world with jokes about sex, the internet, dicks (the penis variety) and pop culture references, what intelligent and sane person wouldn’t watch that?

Of course that sounds like a great idea, if I do say so myself, but since Kevin Smith flicks don’t do well at the box office (DVD is a different story) you need to cast the right men for Danny and Jesse. The Steve Carrel idea for Tanner isn’t to bad, he could play the straight man with occasional funny lines, similar to his roles in Little Miss Sunshine and Dan in Real Life, or maybe Nathan “Captain Hammer” Fillion would be a good fit. For Jesse you need a good looking bad boy with a heart of gold, I haven’t really thought about it but off the top of my head, maybe Ryan Reynolds or Ben Affleck. Round it off with the aforementioned Jeff Anderson as Joey and BANG! Instant classic.

Hollywood aint hard people, and the idea of a Full House movie shouldn’t really be that offputting. Come on, some fucking dude made Meet The Spartans and that heaping pile of shit made a lot of money, sure, I thought it was a little funny but I will not watch it again, 6 times is enough for any man, just kidding, I only watched it once, or twice, but thats not the damn point is it … please don’t judge me.

Have I mentioned lately that I’m not gay?

A Good Deadpool Movie?

Want a review of X-Men Origins : Wolverine? It was a heaping pile of shit, nuff said. It was clearly obvious that the makers of that film, or should I say everyone involved in that film didn’t bother reading any of the comic books, the motherfuckers just looked at all the pretty pictures. A movie about Wolverine starring Hugh Jackman without any X-Men around should have been good, all you had to do was pick a storyline or two from the source material (which is decades of comic book history) and shoot, movie adaptations ain’t hard, and yes, I could write a good one in my sleep.

How the hell could anyone fuck that up.

You didn’t even need to be a fan of the X-Men films or a comic book connoisseur to see how misrepresented the majority of the characters were. Don’t get me started on how at the end Wolverine and Sabretooth get all buddy buddy and then team up, those motherfuckers hate each other with a passion, its nearly up there with Sean Hannity’s dislike of liberals, minorities and homosexuals, nearly. I swear Hannity’s dying to call President Obama the “N” word on TV, if Mr Obama wants I’ll kick Hannity’s ass right now for free, just say the word Barack, please just say the word, ah fuck it, I’ll just do it anyway.

But, it is universally accepted that the best thing to come out of that train wreck was Ryan Reynolds performance as the “Merc with a Mouth”, I’m one of those who agree and a Deadpool movie has been greenlit. I’m a fan of comic book movies and my fondness for comic books probably accounts for 10% of my geekness, but a good comic book movie is actually quite rare, so hopefully Reynolds can turn this around.

Now, after years of lobbying for the role and finally being rewarded with a huge opening for his debut in the recent Wolverine film, Ryan Reynolds has complete control over the character of Wade Wilson. “I love it, because I get to be involved” Reynolds said of his role in the fast-tracked development of a Deadpool spin-off film. “And I’m such a huge fan of the character”.

Currently, Reynolds and the studio are seeking a director and writer(s) for the film, and listening to plenty of ideas about where Wade’s story should go. Fortunately for the die-hard fans, Reynolds has no intention of letting the film stray too far from its comic origins. (Sourced from MTV Splash Page)

As a comic book character Deadpool is cool, how cool? ICE COLD! Holy shit that sounded cheesy, I should probably just delete it, but you know what, I’m not going to, why, because I don’t feel like it, in fact I’d rather rant about not wanting to delete it than actually just fucking delete it, why don’t I just get rid of that retarded line and stop aruguing with myself about it, I have no idea, I’ve just wasted time and post space and all I had to do was press a button, BUT YOU KNOW WHAT REALLY PISSES ME OFF …

Sorry.

As a comic book character Deadpool is pimp, and a film about him could be even more pimp and it doesn’t need to be complicated. Wade Wilson is a mentally unstable assassin with mad killing skills, a healing factor and a big mouth, he’s also funnier than that old lady who got tasered by that pussy cop. Simply put, all a Deadpool movie needs to be is action packed and funny as hell, then you get him to reluctantly or even accidentally save someone so hes likable but still an anti-hero and BANG! $140,000,000 opening weekend.

Combine that with the fact that Reynolds is a long time fan of the character who played him right (in the beginning that is) and you can’t go wrong. Sure, some people are concerned that having Ryan play the title role will mean that the majority of the movie will be pre scars and mask, but I have a feeling that it won’t be as much as you’d think. Sure, I can admit that he’s a good looking man, with dreamy eyes that you could get lost in, a smile that makes you melt at the knees and a butt that … what … wait … shit … um … I mean the ladies think he’s ok but I’m sure the script won’t take that route.

Lets just hope they completely ignore what Deadpool turned into at the end of Wolverine, in fact the producers/writers should just come out and say “What Wolverine movie? I have no idea what you’re talking about dude”. Seriously, optic blasts, katana arm blades and no mouth? What the fuck, I’m surprised that they didn’t turn his penis into a bazooka that shot out jizz capable of eating through metal like acid. Sure, there’s adapting a comic book character for a movie and then there’s just outright retardation, idiots.