Jim Halpert Is A Cunt

One of my favorite shows in the history of television is The Office, the U.S version that is. I’m so much of a fan that it will surprise some of you out there that I can’t stand the U.K version, and I’m not one of those anti-British comedy guys either because a) I’m a New Zealander and b) I place Red Dwarf in my top 3 … so suck it. I just can’t stand that overrated smarmy motherfucker Ricky Gervais (I want to punch him in his vagina).

Every now and then I watch entire seasons of The Office in sequence over about a period of a month (like I said, I really like the show), and recently I’ve noticed a pattern that I’m surprised I didn’t pick up on earlier because its right there in plain sight. I’ve come to the conclusion that Jim Halpert is a cunt … and not the good kind either (that’s the thing about being a Kiwi, you can be a cunt but on the flipside you can also be a good cunt).

I know some of you out there are thinking that I’m full of shit, and normally you’d be 100% correct, but not today my friend (and by friend I mean assface) because ladies and gentleman of the jury, I will unequivocally prove to you that James Duncan Halpert is a Cocksucking/Uncaring/Nasty/Twat (see what I just did there, pure genius … well it would be if I could think of some better words for U-N-T, but that would need effort and I’m just not that guy, but I think I gave it a good go).

Now we all know Michael Scott isn’t perfect, but hes not exactly Hitler either. Sure he’s a little retarded but he doesn’t set out to intentionally hurt anybody, except Toby, who deserves to be ass raped by some gigantic dump truck named Bubba while rotting in jail for the sodomizing of countless 11 year old boys, but that’s another issue that doesn’t really need to explored here as its a subplot that’s been pushed aside on the show, but it is available as deleted scenes on the DVD releases (maybe not on yours) and will be featured in future webisodes (maybe) dealing with Flenderson’s dark side and Michael’s attempts to bring him down for the good of the greater Scranton area. God speed Agent Michael Scarn.

Ummmmmm, like I was saying, Michael’s harmless and all he wants to be is Jim’s friend. But no, Halpert somewhat feels the need to be a dick and reject the friendship of a man who has always been there for him in the darkest of times, a man whose sole purpose in life is to make those around him feel good about their place of employment, a man who feeds his employees, pays their bills and funds the educations of their children … by way of signing their paycheck. Michael Scott is more than a boss, he’s a father figure, he’s a big brother, he’s your kids favorite uncle (you know, the one that won’t put his “P” into your “A”), he’s more than a man, he’s an inspiration, an inspiration.

Where as Jim Halpert is a cockblocker.

As seen early on in episode 6 of season 1, Jim Halpert blocks Michael’s penis from entering Katy’s (the hot purse selling girl) vagina by stealing her at the very last moment. Not only did he do that, but he also blocked our hero Dwight’s peepee from entering Katy’s vajayjay by maliciously giving him misleading advice, but that’s not all, in season 2 he blocks Ryan’s diddle from entering Katy’s vag by subtly hinting that Ryan should not pursue the hot purse selling chick, so he can dump her himself on the booze cruise just because it turns out that he might not get what he wants. 3 cockblocks on just one piece of pussy, what an asshole (but I must say, its a little impressive how he kept that hoe on a leash).

Which brings us to Pam “The Beez Kneez” Beesley, with her Jim performed the ultimate in cockblocking, he stole her from someone else’s cock. Her pussy belonged to a stronger and much manlier man, as evidenced when Jim cowered like a bitch as Roy (said manly man) was about to whoop that motherfuckers ass, weren’t it not for the heroic actions of one Dwight K Schrute. A couple of cunt moves if ever I saw ‘em.

If you personally know a cunt then chances are that person is a bully, and guess what, Jim Halpert is the definition of bully, and his victim is someone whose only crime is just simply being a Determined/Worker/Intense/Goodworker/Hardworker/Terrific human being. The numerous “pranks” or should I say “acts of terrorism” that Halpert performs on our hero Dwight are a criminal offence, and should result in the incarceration of Jim at Guantanamo Bay were he can enjoy delicious cock-meat sandwiches dished out by the guards.

What kind of fucktard puts a stapler in Jello?!? What kind of asshole moves a co-workers desk to the restroom?!? What kind of douche convinces others that gaydar is a genuine electronic device?!? What kind of a whore causes a man to attend anger management?!? What kind of kiddie fiddling catholic priest stares at your forehead for no reason?!? What kind of cocksucker hides a straitjacket key?!? Honestly?!?

Did you know that Jim Halpert is also racist?

Oh yes he is! When Charles Miner (a strong, intelligent, successful and handsome brother) comes on the scene like a sex machine, Halpert immediately feels threatened, and by threatened I really mean scared and hateful. Jim is so fearful of the “big bad black man” that he later hatches a plan that results in Michael (a white man who isn’t racist) getting his former position back at the huge financial expense of Dunder Mifflin, all because Jim Halpert doesn’t believe that all men are created equal.

Now I don’t care what the official/historical definition of the word Cunt is, but for arguments sake lets just say that its not good (unless you’re in New Zealand where being referred to as a good cunt is a source of pride), but I think its safe to say that being a snobby cockblocking racist bully are not traits of a good person. Time after time, Jim Halpert has demonstrated on numerous occasions that he is the most despicable fictional character to ever grace television screens since Hannah Montana.

If you don’t think Jim Halpert is a cunt, then you’re a cunt.