Fanboys

Like the majority of the planet, I’ve seen the original Star Wars trilogy numerous times and I like em. Like everyone else I also hate Phantom Menace but surprisingly I’m a fan of Attack of the Clones, and Revenge of the Sith is visually good. I’m not a Star Wars freak but I know my shit, and would I want a real lightsaber? OH HELL YEAH!!!

You know what else? I’m not a Star Trek hater or lover, mainly because I haven’t seen enough of it, but from what I have seen I think I’d dig The Next Generation. The only problem I have with Star Trek is Trekkies, not regular people who enjoy Star Trek or SciFi as a whole, but the looooooooosers who dress up in star fleet uniforms or borg, klingon and vulcan costumes. I fucking hate Trekkies, if you’re a Trekkie then I feel sorry for you, you lonely sad red shirt wannabe pathetic touched by your uncle living in your parents basement inbred mormon creationist Sean Hannity loving motherfucker.

So I should love a combination road trip/Star Wars/Trekkie bashing movie, right? No.

Fanboys is a 2009 comedy film directed by Kyle Newman and starring Sam Huntington, Chris Marquette, Dan Fogler, Jay Baruchel and Kristen Bell. Linus (Marquette) suggests to his friends what he’s been scheming since fifth grade: Breaking into Skywalker Ranch, this time to steal a print of The Phantom Menace. Crazy, right? But it might be the only way for Linus to see the movie before he dies. So as insane as it sounds, they hop in a van and embark on a mission to drive across the country to the Ranch. (Sourced from IMDB)

First off, Fanboys tries way to hard with the Star Wars references, randomly yelling them out for the sake of constantly reminding the audience that the main group of characters love Star Wars is overdone, yes, the film makers think you’re retarded. Don’t get me wrong, I like a good Star Wars comparison to my current real life situation more than the next guy, but watching these dudes do it all the time just gets old real fast, but that’s not the worst of it.

Where the fuck are all the dick jokes?!?

Come here kid, you wanna know what the Star Wars films are really about? Cock. Fuck all this good vs evil, hero’s journey bullshit, its all about cock, or more specifically whos got the biggest cock, the dark side vs the, fuck, the light side? The good side? The other side? Whatever side Luke’s on.

Look at Darth Vader, the biggest and baddest brother in a galaxy far far away, voiced by the deepest/sexiest voice in Hollywood, Sir James Earl Jones. You telling me thats not signalling Vader’s got more than a lightsaber in his pants, shit, you’d think the motherfucker would have a wookie down there, that is until it turns out that he’s really an old frail white guy, with asthma, and a nasty skin condition, bravo George Lucas, bravo.

Plus, why do you think Annakin got so mad in the first place? Because Jedi law forbids him from getting some pussy, and to make it worse it was hot and consensual royal pussy, what the fuck, after a hard day of defending the Republic it shouldn’t be too much to ask for some sex with his girlfriend or wife, should it. I wonder if Jedi knights are even allowed to jerk off, probably not, and if you re going to say but Rik, there are female Jedi as well, to that I say yeah you’re right, but they are alien chicks, and everyone knows that alien chicks in the Star Wars universe all have penises as well as vagina’s, just look at the heads/ears on some of those bitches and tell me I’m wrong.

What about the force? Of course that shit is penis related. The force is strong in this one? Translated : this little fuckers cock is huge. Why do you think Yoda (one of the most powerful Jedi knights ever) walks around with a walking stick? Because in proportion to his body Yoda’s dong belongs on a Whale. He’d fall over without the stick, and the reason he doesn’t float on air in the later/original trilogy is because it takes too much power/force to keep him up, and it shaves years off of his life.

Want more proof? R2-D2, he may be small but he’s a girthy son of a bitch. Admiral Ackbar, he’s a walking talking penis if ever I saw one. The Sandworms of Tatooine, huge dongs with fucking teeth. Storm Trooper helmets, come on. The front part of an X-Wing, head and shaft obviously. Need I go on?

What about lightsabers? Commonly referred to as the main tool in a Jedi’s arsenal, they start off housed in those handle thingy-ma-jigs which look like dildo’s, and then when its time for action they rise to the occasion, lengthy and rock hard with the power to go through anything. Still not convinced, tell me, what shape is the tip of a lightsaber? Search your feelings, you know it be true!

So why make a Star Wars themed road trip movie without a dick joke every 3 to 5 minutes?

Beats the shit out of me, but that’s why this movie is a huge letdown, its lightweight material that brings it dangerously close to family movie territory. I don’t mind family movies, but if you’re going to make a film about Star Wars nerds vs Star Trek geeks, why the fuck would you make it PG-13? Its highly illogical Jim.

Something else the gets right up my nose is the fact that the group of guys (who are portrayed by some really talented young actors) are trying to watch the Phantom Menace before its released … yeah, I know. Think about it, the ultimate goal of the group is to make sure that their Star Wars loving yet terminally ill friend gets to watch the biggest letdown to Star Wars fanatics ever.

SPOILER ALERT

In the end, Linus (played by Chris Marquette) who has cancer, is allowed to watch the Phantom Menace by himself thanks to George Lucas before he dies. There’s a scene of him alone in a Skywalker Ranch theatre watching the film, then he leaves but he doesn’t comment on what he thought of said movie.

What a waste, if I was a life long Star Wars fan who only had a couple of months to live, looking forward to the final movie event of my life which turns out to be the Phantom Menace, I don’t think I would have acted calm like Linus did, the least I would have done would be to burn Skywalker Ranch to the ground. The writers missed a good opportunity to put in a good 30 minute rant about all the shit the dude went through to see the damn movie and the fact he’s going to be dead soon.

But thats just me.

END OF SPOILER

With that all said, its not all bad, it just wasn’t executed well. There are a couple of good things about Fanboys, mainly the Cameo’s, which I won’t ruin for you but real “fanboys” will get a kick out of it. Plus there is actually a laugh out loud scene involving memorabilia and security guards, you’ll know it when you see it, if you watch it, despite the lack of dick jokes. Stars Wars fags, I mean, enthusiats will probably still enjoy it.

P.S : just because I like dick jokes doesn’t mean I’m gay … really … shut up.