Jim Halpert Is A Cunt
One of my favorite shows in the history of television is The Office, the U.S version that is. I’m so much of a fan that it will surprise some of you out there that I can’t stand the U.K version, and I’m not one of those anti-British comedy guys either because a) I’m a New Zealander and b) I place Red Dwarf in my top 3 … so suck it. I just can’t stand that overrated smarmy motherfucker Ricky Gervais (I want to punch him in his vagina).
Every now and then I watch entire seasons of The Office in sequence over about a period of a month (like I said, I really like the show), and recently I’ve noticed a pattern that I’m surprised I didn’t pick up on earlier because its right there in plain sight. I’ve come to the conclusion that Jim Halpert is a cunt … and not the good kind either (that’s the thing about being a Kiwi, you can be a cunt but on the flipside you can also be a good cunt).
I know some of you out there are thinking that I’m full of shit, and normally you’d be 100% correct, but not today my friend (and by friend I mean assface) because ladies and gentleman of the jury, I will unequivocally prove to you that James Duncan Halpert is a Cocksucking/Uncaring/Nasty/Twat (see what I just did there, pure genius … well it would be if I could think of some better words for U-N-T, but that would need effort and I’m just not that guy, but I think I gave it a good go).
Now we all know Michael Scott isn’t perfect, but hes not exactly Hitler either. Sure he’s a little retarded but he doesn’t set out to intentionally hurt anybody, except Toby, who deserves to be ass raped by some gigantic dump truck named Bubba while rotting in jail for the sodomizing of countless 11 year old boys, but that’s another issue that doesn’t really need to explored here as its a subplot that’s been pushed aside on the show, but it is available as deleted scenes on the DVD releases (maybe not on yours) and will be featured in future webisodes (maybe) dealing with Flenderson’s dark side and Michael’s attempts to bring him down for the good of the greater Scranton area. God speed Agent Michael Scarn.
Ummmmmm, like I was saying, Michael’s harmless and all he wants to be is Jim’s friend. But no, Halpert somewhat feels the need to be a dick and reject the friendship of a man who has always been there for him in the darkest of times, a man whose sole purpose in life is to make those around him feel good about their place of employment, a man who feeds his employees, pays their bills and funds the educations of their children … by way of signing their paycheck. Michael Scott is more than a boss, he’s a father figure, he’s a big brother, he’s your kids favorite uncle (you know, the one that won’t put his “P” into your “A”), he’s more than a man, he’s an inspiration, an inspiration.
Where as Jim Halpert is a cockblocker.
As seen early on in episode 6 of season 1, Jim Halpert blocks Michael’s penis from entering Katy’s (the hot purse selling girl) vagina by stealing her at the very last moment. Not only did he do that, but he also blocked our hero Dwight’s peepee from entering Katy’s vajayjay by maliciously giving him misleading advice, but that’s not all, in season 2 he blocks Ryan’s diddle from entering Katy’s vag by subtly hinting that Ryan should not pursue the hot purse selling chick, so he can dump her himself on the booze cruise just because it turns out that he might not get what he wants. 3 cockblocks on just one piece of pussy, what an asshole (but I must say, its a little impressive how he kept that hoe on a leash).
Which brings us to Pam “The Beez Kneez” Beesley, with her Jim performed the ultimate in cockblocking, he stole her from someone else’s cock. Her pussy belonged to a stronger and much manlier man, as evidenced when Jim cowered like a bitch as Roy (said manly man) was about to whoop that motherfuckers ass, weren’t it not for the heroic actions of one Dwight K Schrute. A couple of cunt moves if ever I saw ‘em.
If you personally know a cunt then chances are that person is a bully, and guess what, Jim Halpert is the definition of bully, and his victim is someone whose only crime is just simply being a Determined/Worker/Intense/Goodworker/Hardworker/Terrific human being. The numerous “pranks” or should I say “acts of terrorism” that Halpert performs on our hero Dwight are a criminal offence, and should result in the incarceration of Jim at Guantanamo Bay were he can enjoy delicious cock-meat sandwiches dished out by the guards.
What kind of fucktard puts a stapler in Jello?!? What kind of asshole moves a co-workers desk to the restroom?!? What kind of douche convinces others that gaydar is a genuine electronic device?!? What kind of a whore causes a man to attend anger management?!? What kind of kiddie fiddling catholic priest stares at your forehead for no reason?!? What kind of cocksucker hides a straitjacket key?!? Honestly?!?
Did you know that Jim Halpert is also racist?
Oh yes he is! When Charles Miner (a strong, intelligent, successful and handsome brother) comes on the scene like a sex machine, Halpert immediately feels threatened, and by threatened I really mean scared and hateful. Jim is so fearful of the “big bad black man” that he later hatches a plan that results in Michael (a white man who isn’t racist) getting his former position back at the huge financial expense of Dunder Mifflin, all because Jim Halpert doesn’t believe that all men are created equal.
Now I don’t care what the official/historical definition of the word Cunt is, but for arguments sake lets just say that its not good (unless you’re in New Zealand where being referred to as a good cunt is a source of pride), but I think its safe to say that being a snobby cockblocking racist bully are not traits of a good person. Time after time, Jim Halpert has demonstrated on numerous occasions that he is the most despicable fictional character to ever grace television screens since Hannah Montana.
If you don’t think Jim Halpert is a cunt, then you’re a cunt.
The Walking Dead Cast
For the last couple of years I’ve been hearing about how good The Walking Dead is, but for some unknown reason it wasn’t until recently that I picked up the title … turns out that all the people who have been raving about this book are absolutely fucking right. In less than a few weeks I devoured the first 66 issues with ease, which isn’t that surprising considering I am a total post apocalyptic fiction whore, it also doesn’t hurt that it features Zombies, old school slow walking mindless Zombies at that.
Its also been announced that a TV show based on the comic is set to hit our screens in 2010, and I for one can’t wait. So being the huge Walking Dead fan that I now am (as usual jumping on the bandwagon last) I’d thought I’d do one of those lame gay unoriginal fanboy fantasy castings. It could be worse, at least I’m not reading someone else’s lame gay unoriginal fanboy fantasy casting.
First off we need to assume a few things, there is no point in casting big Hollywood actors because the odds of Brad Pitt playing Rick and Denzel Washington playing Tyreese are pretty much zero. We also need to assume that even if the actors/actresses in the list are already doing projects that will keep them occupied for years, that they would drop what they were doing for The Walking Dead without hesitation.
I’m sure there would be around 12 episodes produced for the first season, and I’d bet the farm that it would encompass the events that happen leading up to finding the prison. In fact, if the big first season cliffhanger doesn’t end with our group of survivors finding said prison, I will cut off my balls and eat them raw (don’t hold me to that though). It just makes sense … finding the prison that is, not chopping off my huge and impressive lavender smelling silky smooth magic balls.
For the purposes of this post, I’m only casting characters that appear in the book before the prison, so fan favorites like Michonne, Axel and Abraham will be omitted, and due to the fact that I hate kids, none of them will be cast either (even Carl). I’m also not going to bother with Allen, Donna, Carol, Jim and Shane, as well as minor characters like all of Hershel’s children, Tyreese’s daughter, her boyfriend, Otis, Patricia, Amy and Morgan. Why, because I’m a lazy motherfucker … no really, I truly am.
It should also be known that not all of my picks have been well thought out, due to the fact that I’m lazy (as already mentioned) and putting too much effort/time into it is overkill. Also, I’m not solely basing casting on looks, but more on feel and past character experience that I’ve viewed with my own eyes. Of course there could be better choices (I have picked the perfect guy to play Tyreese though) but I don’t give a shit, this is just some random Walking Dead fan putting his thoughts out on the Interweb.
Jared Padalecki as Rick
I’m a fan of the show Supernatural and as Sam Winchester, Padalecki plays a character with similar traits to Rick. Sam starts off as a some what regular (well not really), strong, smart and empathic man who gets in extraordinary circumstances that change his life dramatically. So much so that he makes a mistake so great that he has put everyone in danger (and by everyone I mean the world), which if you’ve read The Walking Dead, sounds quite familiar.
Michael Jai White as Tyreese
Just look at him, if that ain’t Tyreese then who the fuck else could play him? It also helps that White is a badass real life martial artist (not the Steven Segal bullshit kind of martial artist), making it totally believable that he could kick major Zombie ass with nothing more than a hammer (and by hammer I mean an actual hammer, not his cock, which would probably be more of a sledgehammer). Interesting note, he also played another Image Comics character : Spawn.
Felicia Day as Andrea
There’s something about Miss Day that I really like, yet I can’t put my finger on what it is. It could be the fact that her geek cred is through the roof with appearances on Joss Whedon projects (Buffy, Dr Horrible and Dollhouse) and the fact that she’s a gamer (check out The Guild). It also doesn’t hurt that she’s quite cute (translated : very fuckable) and I would actually believe that she could fall for Dale and put his old frail cock in her mouth and/or asshole.
Terry O’Quinn as Dale
I’m a Lost fan, actually, to be more precise I’m a fan of the last 2 seasons of Lost and Locke is one of my favorite characters. I could totally see O’Quinn as Dale, putting on that smelly old hat and giving Padalecki’s Rick advice just like he did with Boone on Lost, the only difference would be that unlike on Lost, Dale won’t be trying to seduce Rick in order to make penis on penis love with him. Come on, it was easy to see how bad Locke wanted Boone.
Parry Shen as Glenn
I know exactly what you’re thinking, who the fuck is Parry Shen?!? Shen starred in an indy movie called Better Luck Tomorrow directed by Justin Lin. Yup, the same Justin Lin who directed Fast and the Furious : Tokyo Drift … and fuck you, I like that movie, but I also like 2 Fast 2 Furious starring Tyreese Gibson … so fuck me. Glenn is a simple character who is likable and trustworthy, while Shen has a likable face (in a non-gay way), and I’m pretty sure Glenn is Asian, right?
Alan Dale as Hershel
You know you’ve seen him in a few things, but unless you’re an Ugly Betty fan, an Australian or a New Zealander you probably won’t know his name, but since I’m a Kiwi like Alan I know who he is, so yes I’m special (insert your own Special Olympics or retard joke here if you really want to, but little baby Jesus will not approve and shed a tear for humanity). Hershel is a stern God faring man whose utmost priority is the welfare of his children, an easy role for Dale to play.
Winona Ryder as Lori
Lori is an easy character to describe, she’s a cunt. Lets look at the evidence : she leaves her comatose husband in the hospital during a Zombie plague, sleeps with his friend, gets all pissed off because he shows up alive thus making her feel guilty, and then has a baby while not knowing who the father is. Cunt. I’m not saying Winona’s a cunt, I’m just saying she looks like she wouldn’t have a problem playing a cunt, she’s a klepto, but that doesn’t necessarily make her a cunt.
There we have it, a lame gay unoriginal fanboy fantasy casting that doesn’t even cast the majority of characters in The Walking Dead, its not even half of the characters who show up in the first couple of story arch’s. The bulk of my picks most likely suck ass, but I think Michael Jai White as Tyreese is dead on, so when the the role really does get cast I’m going to talk shit about that motherfucker like there ain’t no tomorrow, which behind porn and music is the real reason we all use and love the Internet.
AFI : Crash Love
Back in 1999 Black Sails in the Sunset was game changing for me, it wasn’t the first time I heard AFI but like a lot of people it introduced me to a new sound that I ate up like a fat fuck at an all you eat buffet. Then when The Art of Drowning came out in 2000, I was impressed, actually I was really fucking impressed, and when they made their major label debut with Sing the Sorrow, I was like, meh, its not bad, its not great, but I liked it.
But then came Decemberunderground.
Even though I thought it was ok or even a little good, well aspects of it anyway, it was plain to see that it wasnt made for me or anyone else who held an album like Black Sails in high regard. To say it was a fuck you to those who embraced the band 10 years ago would be a bit harsh, but you could sense that they were saying this is us now, deal with it or go suck a cock, which would probably explain why Decemberunderground was so gay.
Yes, and by gay I totally mean the So You Think You Can Dance/two guys fucking each other up the ass/High School Musical kind of gay. I can’t decide if it was gayer than the time lead singer Davey Havok made Robert Smith from The Cure visibly uncomfortable when AFI performed at their MTV Icon tribute, but it was pretty gay.
With that all said we come to Crash Love, and the best way to describe this 2009 release is to say that its not as gay as their last album, I am 100% totally serious. Sure, there are a couple of little things about it that could be perceived as minutely homosexual, like the song Veronica Sawyer Smokes, but isn’t everything in life minutely homosexual?
But I digress, I like Crash Love because its not Decemberunderground, sure they didn’t go back to their hardcore roots but at least they produced a pretty much straight forward rock album, fuck, I’d even say that it came close to being a punk album, but I won’t officially say that because that would be opening a big ass can of worms and piss off punk rock snobs, which are 98% of people who consider themselves punkers.
Listening to it, you get the feeling that guitarist Jade Puget (who I’m a fan of) took the reigns with a fuck all Twilight emo retards mentality, grabbed his guitar and said “lets not piss around, we can’t go back to being the band we were 10 years ago but at least we can put some balls back into our music”. The result, minimal electronic bullshit (if any), perfect gang vocals that don’t overpower a song, fluid piercing riffs, and even a little bit of shredding (as evidenced in the track Medicate) all backed by a solid no nonsense rhythm section that culminates in a mature outing that knows how to take its time.
Sure, there’s no cool intro chant song and its no Black Sails in the Sunset or The Art of Drowning, it doesn’t have to be, AFI is not that band anymore, shit, they’re barely the same band that put out Sing The Sorrow back in 2003. I like Crash Love, to be honest I’m quite surprised by how much I like it, which is probably due to the fact that I wasn’t expecting much from it in the first place, but thanks to standout tracks like Torch Song, the aforementioned Medicate, Beautiful Thieves and Fainting Spells (a b-side from Decemberunderground available on the deluxe editions) its not (that) gay.
P.S : Minutely Homosexual would be a cool band name.
Why Am I Watching Corner Gas?
First lets get a couple of things straight, I am in no way anti Canadian, I love those crazy Canuck motherfuckers. Canada is number 2 on my list of countries to visit (behind Japan), the few Canadians I have met in my life were some of the nicest people ever, one of my favorite bands of all time is Canadian, Mounties are pimp because they fight crime on horses, ON HORSES, Batman uses the Batmobile so that makes him a pussy, and frankly, I really don’t see why so many people have a problem with Celine Dion.
No really, whats to hate? Not only is she gorgeous, but she just happens to be one of the most talented singers on the planet. If you don’t think so then you need to get your ears tested, seriously, listen to Ms Dion’s rendition of “River Deep, Mountain High” and if that doesn’t give you goosebumps of joy then you are in quick need of a soul.
You know what else? In 2007 I watched the first seven seasons of Degrassi : The Next Generation and I liked it, actually to be honest it was like crack and I couldn’t get enough. Sometimes it got a little weird for me to be watching it because a couple of the girls on that show started to get real hot, and I was beginning to feel like that creepy uncle that every family has, you know, the one that doesn’t get invited to family gatherings, the one that never gets asked to babysit, the one that when he has a bit too much to drink he starts getting all touchy feely and shit, you know what I’m talking about, right Uncle Steve?
I stopped at season 8, but it was easy to see why Degrassi is Canada’s premiere teen melodrama that even non-paedophillic heterosexual 29 year old dudes that look like me and answer to my name are allowed to enjoy, and I guarantee I wasn’t the only one who noticed how fast Miriam McDonald went from being the skinny/smart/nice/awkward girl next door to jailbait in the space of a season, damn girl, damn.
Over the last couple of weeks I’ve been catching episodes of Corner Gas, Canada’s answer to Seinfeld (not really, well actually it might be) and its totally weirding me out. Its full of Canadian stereotypes that are usually the butt of anti Canadian humor (which I’m actually starting to think might be real), the rural setting is visually boring and lackluster, the characters aren’t really that interesting and the comedy is extremely lightweight.
Why do I like watching this fucking thing?
No seriously, can you tell me why? Like I said, its not that funny yet I still get a small chuckle out of it here and there, even though the characters are kinda boring they are likable in there own rural Canadian stereotype way, it may be set out in the sticks but how many shows can say that they’re set in Saskatchewan (is that not the coolest name for a large mass of land or what, Manitoba comes close), and yes I’m a sucker for the Canadian accent/lingo eh. Sometimes I can’t tell if I’m laughing at the show or with it.
Guess what? I don’t watch it while I’m high either, I don’t even do drugs, yet I’d be extremely interested to see what it would be like to combine Corner Gas and weed, which I’m sure does happen. Hell, the show used to average over a million Canadian viewers an episode, I refuse to believe that no one watched that shit over its 5 year run with a bong in one hand and the remote in the other? Fuck, I’ve only seen about 5 episodes and I’m tempted to blaze up, if that is the correct stoner terminology.
But the point is I don’t need to, which is kind of scary because I’m usually very particular when it comes to my TV watching habits. By all rights Corner Gas has no business whatsoever being on my radar yet here I am dedicating a post to it and thereby confessing that I purposely spend precious me time watching and enjoying it. I’m usually the guy who makes fun of the guy who watches this shit … I think I’m getting old.
P.S : I love it when Canadian chicks say “aboot”.
