Confessions Of A Gilmore Girls Fan

Unfortunately I’m not gay.

If I was homosexual, then I’d probably find it a bit easier to find that lifetime man-panion who also enjoys geeky shit like comic books, punk rock, science fiction, video games, dick jokes and animated Japanese pornography. Oh yeah, and we could fuck each other. However,  dudes smell, and even though having a cock means I can easily take a piss anywhere in the world, I think penises look not of this world.

Plus, if I was gay, then I wouldn’t be so ashamed of being a huge Gilmore Girls fag.

Are you familiar with the “You know how I know you’re gay?” game as seen on the excellent movie The 40 year Old Virgin? You know, the one where a buddy says to you “You know how I know you’re gay” and then you say “How” and then he says “Because your dick tastes like shit”. Well, there is absolutely no point in me playing because I will lose everytime due to the fact that after I say “How” the answer thrown back at my face will be “Because you’ve seen every episode of the Gilmore Girls bitch”.

I wasn’t born sexually attracted to men, well, thinking that Eric from True Blood is one pretty motherfucker might challenge that reasoning, but… wait… um… look… regardless of sexual orientation that guy ain’t ugly, and as a straight guy (really, I am) I can admit that it probably wouldn’t take that much persuasion to let him put his cock in my mouth. I’m not saying that if he wanted me to suck his dick I’d get down on my knees in less than a heartbeat, I’m just saying that the dude wouldn’t need to aim a gun at my head, if you know what I’m saying. That isn’t gay, its just some straight guy (please don’t say yeah right) appreciating a beautiful man. That ain’t gay, no really, it isn’t.

Anyway, like I was saying, I wasn’t born sexually attracted to men, and by definition I’m not gay (shut up), but my gayness level is over the roof due to my fondness for this television show. I shit you not, I think Gilmore Girls is absolutely brilliant, but when chicks bust your balls for watching it and you don’t know any men who watch it  and compared to all the other dark and twisted shit you watch and enjoy in life, a prick like myself shouldn’t have enjoyed all 153 episodes of this thing. Like I said I’m a Gilmore Girls fag, and according to a lot of people that makes me gay, I don’t think I can argue with that logic.

Even though Lorelei is hot, its not why I dig the show. Sure, the actress playing her is very easy on the eyes, but even her role in the movie Bad Santa where she fucks said Bad Santa while repeatedly yelling “FUCK ME SANTA – FUCK ME SANTA – FUCK ME SANTA” doesn’t make me want to do things to her that will make a Catholic Priest blush. Lorelei Gilmore even replaced Clair Huxtable as my #1 TV M.I.LF, but it was never based her on her looks, which sounds like another point on the “I love cock” scoreboard.

I don’t even have a thing for Rory (a.k.a every over 40 year old mans wet dream). Yeah, she got hot in season 6 (if you’re a pedo she was already hot in season 1) and those are some of the best eyes in the business, but surprisingly I don’t watch TV shows or movies just because a bunch of pretty sluts are in it, unless its porno, where I don’t care if they’re not exactly the prettiest roses in the bunch, midgets, strung out on heroin, conscious, missing teeth, homeless, have armpit hair, wear their daddy issues on their sleeves, used to be dudes, or are morbidly obese.

What I’m saying is that I’m not a closeted Gilmore Girls fan due to the obvious straight guy reasons of that the lead actresses are boner inducing experts. I should be watching this shit with no pants on, but no, I hang on to every bit of fast, funny, quirky and witty dialogue, and I long for Lorelei and Luke to get their shit sorted and live happily ever after.

To make matters worse I even have an idea for a spin-off series called Stars Hollow. It mainly focuses on the members of Hep Alien (Lane, Zack, Brian and Gil) living in said town, with all the supporting characters seen in the original taking on a more prominent role (especially Kirk). It doesn’t feature Lorelei and Luke (because they’re travelling the world), Rory (she’s now a foreign correspondent) or Emily and Richard Gilmore, but Paris Geller does show up in season 3, hilarity and hijinks ensue.

Gaaaaaaaaaaaaaay.

Jim Halpert Is A ****

One of my favorite shows in the history of television is The Office, the U.S version that is. I’m so much of a fan that it will surprise some of you out there that I can’t stand the U.K version, and I’m not one of those anti-British comedy guys either because a) I’m a New Zealander and b) I place Red Dwarf in my top 3 … so suck it. I just can’t stand that overrated smarmy motherfucker Ricky Gervais (I want to punch him in his vagina).

Every now and then I watch entire seasons of The Office in sequence over about a period of a month (like I said, I really like the show), and recently I’ve noticed a pattern that I’m surprised I didn’t pick up on earlier because its right there in plain sight. I’ve come to the conclusion that Jim Halpert is a cunt … and not the good kind either (that’s the thing about being a Kiwi, you can be a cunt but on the flipside you can also be a good cunt).

I know some of you out there are thinking that I’m full of shit, and normally you’d be 100% correct, but not today my friend (and by friend I mean assface) because ladies and gentleman of the jury, I will unequivocally prove to you that James Duncan Halpert is a Cocksucking/Uncaring/Nasty/Twat (see what I just did there, pure genius … well it would be if I could think of some better words for U-N-T, but that would need effort and I’m just not that guy, but I think I gave it a good go).

Now we all know Michael Scott isn’t perfect, but hes not exactly Hitler either. Sure he’s a little retarded but he doesn’t set out to intentionally hurt anybody, except Toby, who deserves to be ass raped by some gigantic dump truck named Bubba while rotting in jail for the sodomizing of countless 11 year old boys, but that’s another issue that doesn’t really need to explored here as its a subplot that’s been pushed aside on the show, but it is available as deleted scenes on the DVD releases (maybe not on yours) and will be featured in future webisodes (maybe) dealing with Flenderson’s dark side and Michael’s attempts to bring him down for the good of the greater Scranton area. God speed Agent Michael Scarn.

Ummmmmm, like I was saying, Michael’s harmless and all he wants to be is Jim’s friend. But no, Halpert somewhat feels the need to be a dick and reject the friendship of a man who has always been there for him in the darkest of times, a man whose sole purpose in life is to make those around him feel good about their place of employment, a man who feeds his employees, pays their bills and funds the educations of their children … by way of signing their paycheck. Michael Scott is more than a boss, he’s a father figure, he’s a big brother, he’s your kids favorite uncle (you know, the one that won’t put his “P” into your “A”), he’s more than a man, he’s an inspiration, an inspiration.

Where as Jim Halpert is a cockblocker.

As seen early on in episode 6 of season 1, Jim Halpert blocks Michael’s penis from entering Katy’s (the hot purse selling girl) vagina by stealing her at the very last moment. Not only did he do that, but he also blocked our hero Dwight’s peepee from entering Katy’s vajayjay by maliciously giving him misleading advice, but that’s not all, in season 2 he blocks Ryan’s diddle from entering Katy’s vag by subtly hinting that Ryan should not pursue the hot purse selling chick, so he can dump her himself on the booze cruise just because it turns out that he might not get what he wants. 3 cockblocks on just one piece of pussy, what an asshole (but I must say, its a little impressive how he kept that hoe on a leash).

Which brings us to Pam “The Beez Kneez” Beesley, with her Jim performed the ultimate in cockblocking, he stole her from someone else’s cock. Her pussy belonged to a stronger and much manlier man, as evidenced when Jim cowered like a bitch as Roy (said manly man) was about to whoop that motherfuckers ass, weren’t it not for the heroic actions of one Dwight K Schrute. A couple of cunt moves if ever I saw ‘em.

If you personally know a cunt then chances are that person is a bully, and guess what, Jim Halpert is the definition of bully, and his victim is someone whose only crime is just simply being a Determined/Worker/Intense/Goodworker/Hardworker/Terrific human being. The numerous “pranks” or should I say “acts of terrorism” that Halpert performs on our hero Dwight are a criminal offence, and should result in the incarceration of Jim at Guantanamo Bay were he can enjoy delicious cock-meat sandwiches dished out by the guards.

What kind of fucktard puts a stapler in Jello?!? What kind of asshole moves a co-workers desk to the restroom?!? What kind of douche convinces others that gaydar is a genuine electronic device?!? What kind of a whore causes a man to attend anger management?!? What kind of kiddie fiddling catholic priest stares at your forehead for no reason?!? What kind of cocksucker hides a straitjacket key?!? Honestly?!?

Did you know that Jim Halpert is also racist?

Oh yes he is! When Charles Miner (a strong, intelligent, successful and handsome brother) comes on the scene like a sex machine, Halpert immediately feels threatened, and by threatened I really mean scared and hateful. Jim is so fearful of the “big bad black man” that he later hatches a plan that results in Michael (a white man who isn’t racist) getting his former position back at the huge financial expense of Dunder Mifflin, all because Jim Halpert doesn’t believe that all men are created equal.

Now I don’t care what the official/historical definition of the word Cunt is, but for arguments sake lets just say that its not good (unless you’re in New Zealand where being referred to as a good cunt is a source of pride), but I think its safe to say that being a snobby cockblocking racist bully are not traits of a good person. Time after time, Jim Halpert has demonstrated on numerous occasions that he is the most despicable fictional character to ever grace television screens since Hannah Montana.

If you don’t think Jim Halpert is a cunt, then you’re a cunt.

The Walking Dead Cast

For the last couple of years I’ve been hearing about how good The Walking Dead is, but for some unknown reason it wasn’t until recently that I picked up the title … turns out that all the people who have been raving about this book are absolutely fucking right. In less than a few weeks I devoured the first 66 issues with ease, which isn’t that surprising considering I am a total post apocalyptic fiction whore, it also doesn’t hurt that it features Zombies, old school slow walking mindless Zombies at that.

Its also been announced that a TV show based on the comic is set to hit our screens in 2010, and I for one can’t wait. So being the huge Walking Dead fan that I now am (as usual jumping on the bandwagon last) I’d thought I’d do one of those lame gay unoriginal fanboy fantasy castings. It could be worse, at least I’m not reading someone else’s lame unoriginal fanboy fantasy casting.

First we need to assume a few things, there’s no point in casting big Hollywood actors because the odds of Brad Pitt playing Rick and Denzel Washington playing Tyreese are pretty much zero. We also need to assume that even if the actors in the list are already doing projects that will keep them occupied for years, that they would drop what they were doing for The Walking Dead without hesitation.

I’m sure there would be around 12 episodes produced for the first season, and I’d bet the farm that it would encompass the events that happen leading up to finding the prison. In fact, if the big first season cliffhanger doesn’t end with our group of survivors finding said prison, I will cut off my balls and eat them raw (don’t hold me to that though). It just makes sense … finding the prison that is, not chopping off my huge and impressive lavender smelling silky smooth magic balls.

For the purposes of this post, I’m only casting characters that appear in the book before the prison, so favorites like Michonne, Axel and Abraham will be omitted, and due to the fact that I hate kids, none of them will be cast either (even Carl). I’m also not going to bother with Allen, Donna, Carol, Jim and Shane, as well as minor characters like all of Hershel’s children, Tyreese’s daughter, her boyfriend, Otis, Patricia, Amy and Morgan. Why, because I’m a lazy motherfucker … no really, I am.

It should also be known that not all of my picks have been well thought out, due to the fact that I’m lazy (as mentioned) and putting too much effort/time into it is overkill. Also, I’m not solely basing casting on looks, but more on feel and past character experience that I’ve viewed with my own eyes. Of course there could be better choices (I picked the perfect guy to play Tyreese though) but I don’t give a shit, this is just some random Walking Dead fan putting his thoughts out on the Interweb.

Jared Padalecki as Rick
I’m a fan of Supernatural and as Sam Winchester, Padalecki plays a character with similar traits to Rick. Sam starts off as a some what regular, strong, smart and empathic man who gets in extraordinary circumstances that change his life dramatically. So much so that he makes a mistake so great that he has put everyone in danger (and by everyone I mean the world), which if you’ve read The Walking Dead, sounds quite familiar.

Michael Jai White as Tyreese
Just look at him, if that ain’t Tyreese then who the fuck else could play him? It also helps that White is a badass real life martial artist (not the Steven Segal bullshit kind of martial artist), making it believable that he could kick major Zombie ass with nothing more than a hammer (and by hammer I mean an actual hammer, not his cock, which would be more of a sledgehammer). Interesting note, he also played another Image Comics character: Spawn.

Felicia Day as Andrea
There’s something about Miss Day that I really like, yet I can’t put my finger on what it is. It could be the fact that her geek cred is through the roof with appearances on Whedon projects (Buffy, Dr Horrible and Dollhouse) and the fact that she’s a gamer (The Guild). It also doesn’t hurt that she’s quite cute (translated : very fuckable) and I would actually believe that she could fall for Dale and put his old frail cock in her mouth and/or asshole.

Terry O’Quinn as Dale
I’m a Lost fan, actually, to be more precise I’m a fan of the last 2 seasons of Lost and Locke is one of my favorite characters. I could totally see O’Quinn as Dale, putting on that smelly old hat and giving Padalecki’s Rick advice just like he did with Boone on Lost, the only difference would be that unlike on Lost, Dale won’t be trying to seduce Rick in order to make penis on penis love with him. Come on, it was easy to see how bad Locke wanted Boone.

Parry Shen as Glenn
I know what you’re thinking, who the fuck is Parry Shen?!? Shen starred in an indy movie called Better Luck Tomorrow directed by Justin Lin. Yup, the same Justin Lin who directed Fast and the Furious : Tokyo Drift … and fuck you, I like that movie, but I also like 2 Fast 2 Furious … so fuck me. Glenn is a simple character who is likable and trustworthy, while Shen has a likable face (in a non-gay way), and I’m pretty sure Glenn is Asian, right?

Alan Dale as Hershel
You know you’ve seen him in a few things, but unless you’re an Ugly Betty fan, an Australian or a New Zealander you probably won’t know his name, but since I’m a Kiwi like Alan I know who he is, so yes I’m special (insert your own retard joke here if you really want to, but little baby Jesus will not approve and shed a tear for humanity). Hershel is a stern God faring man whose utmost priority is the welfare of his children, an easy role for Dale to play.

Winona Ryder as Lori
Lori is a fucking cunt. Look at the evidence: she leaves her comatose husband in the hospital during a Zombie plague, sleeps with his friend, gets pissed off because he shows up alive thus making her feel guilty, and then has a baby while not knowing who the father is. Cunt. I’m not saying Winona’s a cunt, I’m just saying she looks like she wouldn’t have a problem playing a cunt, she’s a klepto, but that doesn’t necessarily make her a cunt.

There we have it, a lame unoriginal fanboy fantasy casting that doesn’t even cast the majority of characters in The Walking Dead, its not even half of the characters who show up in the first couple of story arch’s. The bulk of my picks most likely suck ass, but I think Michael Jai White as Tyreese is dead on, so when the the role really does get cast I’m going to talk shit about that motherfucker like there ain’t no tomorrow, which behind porn and music is the real reason we all use and love the Internet.