The Walking Dead Cast
For the last couple of years I’ve been hearing about how good The Walking Dead is, but for some unknown reason it wasn’t until recently that I picked up the title … turns out that all the people who have been raving about this book are absolutely fucking right. In less than a few weeks I devoured the last 66 issues with ease, which isn’t that surprising considering I am a total post apocalyptic fiction whore, it also doesn’t hurt that it features Zombies, old school slow walking mindless Zombies at that.
Its also been announced that a TV show based on the comic is set to hit our screens in 2010, and I for one can’t wait. So being the huge Walking Dead fan that I now am (as usual jumping on the bandwagon last) I’d thought I’d do one of those lame gay unoriginal fanboy fantasy castings. It could be worse, at least I’m not reading someone else’s lame gay unoriginal fanboy fantasy casting.
First off we need to assume a few things, there is no point in casting big Hollywood actors because the odds of Brad Pitt playing Rick and Denzel Washington playing Tyreese are pretty much zero. We also need to assume that even if the actors/actresses in the list are already doing projects that will keep them occupied for years, that they would drop what they were doing for The Walking Dead without hesitation.
I’m sure there would be around 12 episodes produced for the first season, and I’d bet the farm that it would encompass the events that happen leading up to finding the prison. In fact, if the big first season cliffhanger doesn’t end with our group of survivors finding said prison, I will cut off my balls and eat them raw (don’t hold me to that though). It just makes sense … finding the prison that is, not chopping off my huge and impressive lavender smelling silky smooth magic balls.
For the purposes of this post, I’m only casting characters that appear in the book before the prison, so fan favorites like Michonne, Axel and Abraham will be omitted, and due to the fact that I hate kids, none of them will be cast either (even Carl). I’m also not going to bother with Allen, Donna, Carol, Jim and Shane, as well as minor characters like all of Hershel’s children, Tyreese’s daughter, her boyfriend, Otis, Patricia, Amy and Morgan. Why, because I’m a lazy motherfucker … no really, I truly am.
It should also be known that not all of my picks have been well thought out, due to the fact that I’m lazy (as already mentioned) and putting too much effort/time into it is overkill. Also, I’m not solely basing casting on looks, but more on feel and past character experience that I’ve viewed with my own eyes. Of course there could be better choices (I have picked the perfect guy to play Tyreese though) but I don’t give a shit, this is just some random Walking Dead fan putting his thoughts out on the Interweb.
Jared Padalecki as Rick
I’m a fan of the show Supernatural and as Sam Winchester, Padalecki plays a character with similar traits to Rick. Sam starts off as a some what regular (well not really), strong, smart and empathic man who gets in extraordinary circumstances that change his life dramatically. So much so that he makes a mistake so great that he has put everyone in danger (and by everyone I mean the world), which if you’ve read The Walking Dead, sounds quite familiar.
Michael Jai White as Tyreese
Just look at him, if that ain’t Tyreese then who the fuck else could play him? It also helps that White is a badass real life martial artist (not the Steven Segal bullshit kind of martial artist), making it totally believable that he could kick major Zombie ass with nothing more than a hammer (and by hammer I mean an actual hammer, not his cock, which would probably be more of a sledgehammer). Interesting note, he also played another Image Comics character : Spawn.
Felicia Day as Andrea
There’s something about Miss Day that I really like, yet I can’t put my finger on what it is. It could be the fact that her geek cred is through the roof with appearances on Joss Whedon projects (Buffy, Dr Horrible and Dollhouse) and the fact that she’s a gamer (check out The Guild). It also doesn’t hurt that she’s quite cute (translated : very fuckable) and I would actually believe that she could fall for Dale and put his old frail cock in her mouth and/or asshole.
Terry O’Quinn as Dale
I’m a Lost fan, actually, to be more precise I’m a fan of the last 2 seasons of Lost and Locke is one of my favorite characters. I could totally see O’Quinn as Dale, putting on that smelly old hat and giving Padalecki’s Rick advice just like he did with Boone on Lost, the only difference would be that unlike on Lost, Dale won’t be trying to seduce Rick in order to make penis on penis love with him. Come on, it was easy to see how bad Locke wanted Boone.
Parry Shen as Glenn
I know exactly what you’re thinking, who the fuck is Parry Shen?!? Shen starred in an indy movie called Better Luck Tomorrow directed by Justin Lin. Yup, the same Justin Lin who directed Fast and the Furious : Tokyo Drift … and fuck you, I like that movie, but I also like 2 Fast 2 Furious starring Tyreese Gibson … so fuck me. Glenn is a simple character who is likable and trustworthy, while Shen has a likable face (in a non-gay way), and I’m pretty sure Glenn is Asian, right?
Alan Dale as Hershel
You know you’ve seen him in a few things, but unless you’re an Ugly Betty fan, an Australian or a New Zealander you probably won’t know his name, but since I’m a Kiwi like Alan I know who he is, so yes I’m special (insert your own Special Olympics or retard joke here if you really want to, but little baby Jesus will not approve and shed a tear for humanity). Hershel is a stern God faring man whose utmost priority is the welfare of his children, an easy role for Dale to play.
Winona Ryder as Lori
Lori is an easy character to describe, she’s a cunt. Lets look at the evidence : she leaves her comatose husband in the hospital during a Zombie plague, sleeps with his friend, gets all pissed off because he shows up alive thus making her feel guilty, and then has a baby while not knowing who the father is. Cunt. I’m not saying Winona’s a cunt, I’m just saying she looks like she wouldn’t have a problem playing a cunt, she’s a klepto, but that doesn’t necessarily make her a cunt.
There we have it, a lame gay unoriginal fanboy fantasy casting that doesn’t even cast the majority of characters in The Walking Dead, its not even half of the characters who show up in the first couple of story arch’s. The bulk of my picks most likely suck ass, but I think Michael Jai White as Tyreese is dead on, so when the the role really does get cast I’m going to talk shit about that motherfucker like there ain’t no tomorrow, which behind porn and music is the real reason we all use and love the Internet.
AFI : Crash Love
Back in 1999 Black Sails in the Sunset was game changing for me, it wasn’t the first time I heard AFI but like a lot of people it introduced me to a new sound that I ate up like a fat fuck at an all you eat buffet. Then when The Art of Drowning came out in 2000, I was impressed, actually I was really fucking impressed, and when they made their major label debut with Sing the Sorrow, I was like, meh, its not bad, its not great, but I liked it.
But then came Decemberunderground.
Even though I thought it was ok or even a little good, well aspects of it anyway, it was plain to see that it wasnt made for me or anyone else who held an album like Black Sails in high regard. To say it was a fuck you to those who embraced the band 10 years ago would be a bit harsh, but you could sense that they were saying this is us now, deal with it or go suck a cock, which would probably explain why Decemberunderground was so gay.
Yes, and by gay I totally mean the So You Think You Can Dance/two guys fucking each other up the ass/High School Musical kind of gay. I can’t decide if it was gayer than the time lead singer Davey Havok made Robert Smith from The Cure visibly uncomfortable when AFI performed at their MTV Icon tribute, but it was pretty gay.
With that all said we come to Crash Love, and the best way to describe this 2009 release is to say that its not as gay as their last album, I am 100% totally serious. Sure, there are a couple of little things about it that could be perceived as minutely homosexual, like the song Veronica Sawyer Smokes, but isn’t everything in life minutely homosexual?
But I digress, I like Crash Love because its not Decemberunderground, sure they didn’t go back to their hardcore roots but at least they produced a pretty much straight forward rock album, fuck, I’d even say that it came close to being a punk album, but I won’t officially say that because that would be opening a big ass can of worms and piss off punk rock snobs, which are 98% of people who consider themselves punkers.
Listening to it, you get the feeling that guitarist Jade Puget (who I’m a fan of) took the reigns with a fuck all Twilight emo retards mentality, grabbed his guitar and said “lets not piss around, we can’t go back to being the band we were 10 years ago but at least we can put some balls back into our music”. The result, minimal electronic bullshit (if any), perfect gang vocals that don’t overpower a song, fluid piercing riffs, and even a little bit of shredding (as evidenced in the track Medicate) all backed by a solid no nonsense rhythm section that culminates in a mature outing that knows how to take its time.
Sure, there’s no cool intro chant song and its no Black Sails in the Sunset or The Art of Drowning, it doesn’t have to be, AFI is not that band anymore, shit, they’re barely the same band that put out Sing The Sorrow back in 2003. I like Crash Love, to be honest I’m quite surprised by how much I like it, which is probably due to the fact that I wasn’t expecting much from it in the first place, but thanks to standout tracks like Torch Song, the aforementioned Medicate, Beautiful Thieves and Fainting Spells (a b-side from Decemberunderground available on the deluxe editions) its not (that) gay.
P.S : Minutely Homosexual would be a cool band name.
Why Am I Watching Corner Gas?
First lets get a couple of things straight, I am in no way anti Canadian, I love those crazy Canuck motherfuckers. Canada is number 2 on my list of countries to visit (behind Japan), the few Canadians I have met in my life were some of the nicest people ever, one of my favorite bands of all time is Canadian, Mounties are pimp because they fight crime on horses, ON HORSES, Batman uses the Batmobile so that makes him a pussy, and frankly, I really don’t see why so many people have a problem with Celine Dion.
No really, whats to hate? Not only is she gorgeous, but she just happens to be one of the most talented singers on the planet. If you don’t think so then you need to get your ears tested, seriously, listen to Ms Dion’s rendition of “River Deep, Mountain High” and if that doesn’t give you goosebumps of joy then you are in quick need of a soul.
You know what else? In 2007 I watched the first seven seasons of Degrassi : The Next Generation and I liked it, actually to be honest it was like crack and I couldn’t get enough. Sometimes it got a little weird for me to be watching it because a couple of the girls on that show started to get real hot, and I was beginning to feel like that creepy uncle that every family has, you know, the one that doesn’t get invited to family gatherings, the one that never gets asked to babysit, the one that when he has a bit too much to drink he starts getting all touchy feely and shit, you know what I’m talking about, right Uncle Steve?
I stopped at season 8, but it was easy to see why Degrassi is Canada’s premiere teen melodrama that even non-paedophillic heterosexual 29 year old dudes that look like me and answer to my name are allowed to enjoy, and I guarantee I wasn’t the only one who noticed how fast Miriam McDonald went from being the skinny/smart/nice/awkward girl next door to jailbait in the space of a season, damn girl, damn.
Over the last couple of weeks I’ve been catching episodes of Corner Gas, Canada’s answer to Seinfeld (not really, well actually it might be) and its totally weirding me out. Its full of Canadian stereotypes that are usually the butt of anti Canadian humor (which I’m actually starting to think might be real), the rural setting is visually boring and lackluster, the characters aren’t really that interesting and the comedy is extremely lightweight.
Why do I like watching this fucking thing?
No seriously, can you tell me why? Like I said, its not that funny yet I still get a small chuckle out of it here and there, even though the characters are kinda boring they are likable in there own rural Canadian stereotype way, it may be set out in the sticks but how many shows can say that they’re set in Saskatchewan (is that not the coolest name for a large mass of land or what, Manitoba comes close), and yes I’m a sucker for the Canadian accent/lingo eh. Sometimes I can’t tell if I’m laughing at the show or with it.
Guess what? I don’t watch it while I’m high either, I don’t even do drugs, yet I’d be extremely interested to see what it would be like to combine Corner Gas and weed, which I’m sure does happen. Hell, the show used to average over a million Canadian viewers an episode, I refuse to believe that no one watched that shit over its 5 year run with a bong in one hand and the remote in the other? Fuck, I’ve only seen about 5 episodes and I’m tempted to blaze up, if that is the correct stoner terminology.
But the point is I don’t need to, which is kind of scary because I’m usually very particular when it comes to my TV watching habits. By all rights Corner Gas has no business whatsoever being on my radar yet here I am dedicating a post to it and thereby confessing that I purposely spend precious me time watching and enjoying it. I’m usually the guy who makes fun of the guy who watches this shit … I think I’m getting old.
P.S : I love it when Canadian chicks say “aboot”.
Fanboys
Like the majority of the planet, I’ve seen the original Star Wars trilogy numerous times and I like em. Like everyone else I also hate Phantom Menace but surprisingly I’m a fan of Attack of the Clones, and Revenge of the Sith is visually good. I’m not a Star Wars freak but I know my shit, and would I want a real lightsaber? OH HELL YEAH!!!
You know what else? I’m not a Star Trek hater or lover, mainly because I haven’t seen enough of it, but from what I have seen I think I’d dig The Next Generation. The only problem I have with Star Trek is Trekkies, not regular people who enjoy Star Trek or SciFi as a whole, but the looooooooosers who dress up in star fleet uniforms or borg, klingon and vulcan costumes. I fucking hate Trekkies, if you’re a Trekkie then I feel sorry for you, you lonely sad red shirt wannabe pathetic touched by your uncle living in your parents basement inbred mormon creationist Sean Hannity loving motherfucker.
So I should love a combination road trip/Star Wars/Trekkie bashing movie, right? No.
Fanboys is a 2009 comedy film directed by Kyle Newman and starring Sam Huntington, Chris Marquette, Dan Fogler, Jay Baruchel and Kristen Bell. Linus (Marquette) suggests to his friends what he’s been scheming since fifth grade: Breaking into Skywalker Ranch, this time to steal a print of The Phantom Menace. Crazy, right? But it might be the only way for Linus to see the movie before he dies. So as insane as it sounds, they hop in a van and embark on a mission to drive across the country to the Ranch. (Sourced from IMDB)
First off, Fanboys tries way to hard with the Star Wars references, randomly yelling them out for the sake of constantly reminding the audience that the main group of characters love Star Wars is overdone, yes, the film makers think you’re retarded. Don’t get me wrong, I like a good Star Wars comparison to my current real life situation more than the next guy, but watching these dudes do it all the time just gets old real fast, but that’s not the worst of it.
Where the fuck are all the dick jokes?!?
Come here kid, you wanna know what the Star Wars films are really about? Cock. Fuck all this good vs evil, hero’s journey bullshit, its all about cock, or more specifically whos got the biggest cock, the dark side vs the, fuck, the light side? The good side? The other side? Whatever side Luke’s on.
Look at Darth Vader, the biggest and baddest brother in a galaxy far far away, voiced by the deepest/sexiest voice in Hollywood, Sir James Earl Jones. You telling me thats not signalling Vader’s got more than a lightsaber in his pants, shit, you’d think the motherfucker would have a wookie down there, that is until it turns out that he’s really an old frail white guy, with asthma, and a nasty skin condition, bravo George Lucas, bravo.
Plus, why do you think Annakin got so mad in the first place? Because Jedi law forbids him from getting some pussy, and to make it worse it was hot and consensual royal pussy, what the fuck, after a hard day of defending the Republic it shouldn’t be too much to ask for some sex with his girlfriend or wife, should it. I wonder if Jedi knights are even allowed to jerk off, probably not, and if you re going to say but Rik, there are female Jedi as well, to that I say yeah you’re right, but they are alien chicks, and everyone knows that alien chicks in the Star Wars universe all have penises as well as vagina’s, just look at the heads/ears on some of those bitches and tell me I’m wrong.
What about the force? Of course that shit is penis related. The force is strong in this one? Translated : this little fuckers cock is huge. Why do you think Yoda (one of the most powerful Jedi knights ever) walks around with a walking stick? Because in proportion to his body Yoda’s dong belongs on a Whale. He’d fall over without the stick, and the reason he doesn’t float on air in the later/original trilogy is because it takes too much power/force to keep him up, and it shaves years off of his life.
Want more proof? R2-D2, he may be small but he’s a girthy son of a bitch. Admiral Ackbar, he’s a walking talking penis if ever I saw one. The Sandworms of Tatooine, huge dongs with fucking teeth. Storm Trooper helmets, come on. The front part of an X-Wing, head and shaft obviously. Need I go on?
What about lightsabers? Commonly referred to as the main tool in a Jedi’s arsenal, they start off housed in those handle thingy-ma-jigs which look like dildo’s, and then when its time for action they rise to the occasion, lengthy and rock hard with the power to go through anything. Still not convinced, tell me, what shape is the tip of a lightsaber? Search your feelings, you know it be true!
So why make a Star Wars themed road trip movie without a dick joke every 3 to 5 minutes?
Beats the shit out of me, but that’s why this movie is a huge letdown, its lightweight material that brings it dangerously close to family movie territory. I don’t mind family movies, but if you’re going to make a film about Star Wars nerds vs Star Trek geeks, why the fuck would you make it PG-13? Its highly illogical Jim.
Something else the gets right up my nose is the fact that the group of guys (who are portrayed by some really talented young actors) are trying to watch the Phantom Menace before its released … yeah, I know. Think about it, the ultimate goal of the group is to make sure that their Star Wars loving yet terminally ill friend gets to watch the biggest letdown to Star Wars fanatics ever.
SPOILER ALERT
In the end, Linus (played by Chris Marquette) who has cancer, is allowed to watch the Phantom Menace by himself thanks to George Lucas before he dies. There’s a scene of him alone in a Skywalker Ranch theatre watching the film, then he leaves but he doesn’t comment on what he thought of said movie.
What a waste, if I was a life long Star Wars fan who only had a couple of months to live, looking forward to the final movie event of my life which turns out to be the Phantom Menace, I don’t think I would have acted calm like Linus did, the least I would have done would be to burn Skywalker Ranch to the ground. The writers missed a good opportunity to put in a good 30 minute rant about all the shit the dude went through to see the damn movie and the fact he’s going to be dead soon.
But thats just me.
END OF SPOILER
With that all said, its not all bad, it just wasn’t executed well. There are a couple of good things about Fanboys, mainly the Cameo’s, which I won’t ruin for you but real “fanboys” will get a kick out of it. Plus there is actually a laugh out loud scene involving memorabilia and security guards, you’ll know it when you see it, if you watch it, despite the lack of dick jokes. Stars Wars fags, I mean, enthusiats will probably still enjoy it.
P.S : just because I like dick jokes doesn’t mean I’m gay … really … shut up.
